A Touch of Grey

The next time you're depressed, things are fucked and seem hopeless consider this. And remember you'll get by.

 

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 "Touch Of Grey"

Must be getting early
Clocks are running late
Paint by number morning sky looks so phony
Dawn is breaking everywhere
Light a candle, curse the glare
Draw the curtains, I don't care 'cause it's alright

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

I see you've got your fist out
Say your piece and get out
Yes, I get the gist of it, but it's alright
Sorry that you feel that way
The only thing there is to say
Every silver lining's got a touch of grey

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

It's a lesson to me
The Ables and the Bakers and the Cs
The ABCs we all must face
Try to keep a little grace

It's a lesson to me
The Deltas and the East and the Freeze
The ABCs we all think of
To try to win a little love

I know the rent is in arrears
The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears, but it's alright
Cow is given kerosene
Kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene, but it's alright

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

The shoe is on the hand it fits
There's really nothing much to it
Whistle through your teeth and spit 'cause it's alright
Oh, well, a touch of grey, kind of suits you anyway
That's was all I had to say, but it's alright

I will get by
I will get by
I will get by
I will survive

We will get by
We will get by
We will get by
We will survive

Video: The Grateful Dead. Touch of Grey Album
Source: Grateful Dead - YouTube

Adult Children of Alcoholics

During my web-wanderings yesterday I found myself in an ACA meeting. Now both of my parents are dead but, if my mother was still alive, I'd be one. I guess that would make me an exACA.

If they had been around a decades earlier or if I'd have known about them earlier,  a number of decades would probably have been much different.

Their shares got me to thinking about my past relationship with my mother and her alcoholism. And my sons and my alcoholism. And the fellowship of AA.

I can't count the number of times I would tell / ask her to "Just stop"and her replying, "I can't just stop" or "You just don't understand" or both. I also can't count the many times that conversation was repeated between my wife or sons and myself.

As I observed, I began thinking, these people understand. I suddenly had an understanding of my own. An epiphany even. This was the secret. The magic of "Two drunks talking".

Consider this strange scenerio. Two people are talking. One speaks and understands English. Call her Mom.The other speaks but does not understand English. Call him Ed. They are trying to discuss Mom's alcoholism. Ed is not an alcoholic. Ed is asking Mom to just stop, quit. Mom hears and understands his request, his plea. Mom tries to tell him how much she wants to grant his request. And that it's just not that easy a request to grant. And why. 

Ed hears the sounds she's making and sees her lips move but, he doesn't understand the meaning of the words, the concept she's trying to convey. She tries over and over to explain. In different words. to no avail. Ed simply doesn't understand. In fact, he can't and probably never will.

Many, many years down the road. Mom is dead and Ed is now an alcoholic. He is reflecting on a conversation with his son. It's pretty much like all the ones he had with Mom. He realizes he'll probably never be able to explain and decides to just soldier on. Trying to do the best he can with what hes got.

Then Mom reaches out from beyond the grave. She's saying. " That's all you can do. That's all I could do. You're right, he'll probably never understand. But now you do. And hope with all you have that he never comes to understand the way you came to understand." 

That's the magic. It's not really two drunks talking. It's two people. Talking, hearing, and listening with a common language. And a common subject.

***********************

Adult Children of Alcoholics Meeting Search - Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families or chat at recoveryllama

If you're an alcoholic trying to explain to your kid, you might want to point them out. Or that kid. Or a friend that cares. You might want to check them out.  It might help. certainly can't hurt.

After all, they do speak your language

So Live Your Life – Chief Tecumseh

 

 “So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.

Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours too.

Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.

Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people.

Prepare a noble death song for the day when you pass over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place.

Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.

Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise into fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.

Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”

Tecumseh, Shawnee chief and warrior

ATARAXIA

 

 

 

Here are five thoughts on ataraxia from the The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
* You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
* If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
* The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.
* It is not death that a man should fear, but never beginning to live.
* Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.

Just Because It's Monday

 

It's called

 "Something Beautiful"

 

 

Written and produced by Seth Andrews TheThinkingAtheist - YouTube

Spoken by Nathan Phelps. The son of Fred Phelps, he of the famed Westboro Baptist Church

Seth Andrews and Nathan Phelps both serious Christians for a very large part of their lives, turned atheist. If they can change, you certainly can.  It's something to think about the next time self-doubt ( or Can I really do this?) creeps up on you.

Dogma

I tend to despise dogma (An authoritative principle, belief or statement of opinion, especially one considered to be absolutely true and indisputable, regardless of evidence or without evidence to support it. From dogma - Wiktionary:. AA dogma is no exception.

Take Conference Approved Literature. There's no steadfast rule against it anywhere in "Official AA" (See below). But, go into a F2F meeting and see how much unapproved stuff there is. Or an online AA chat or a forum. Go ahead, link to something that's "Not approved or doesn't point to AA.Org". Bet there wiil be some grief to follow.

At the top of this blog is a quotation from Bob Pearson 's retirement farewell speech at the 1986 General Service Conference, he was General Manager of GSO from 1974 - 1084 and then Senior Advisor to 1986. It is taken from a large group of excerpts that the link points to. I can't post that link it at any of the chats or forums* I go to because it doesn't point to AA. org. Likewise, the complete speech . It points somewhere else too.

I can post this link, PDF Singleness of Purpose - Alcoholics Anonymous. It has some of the speech. Including that quote. But, it's an AA Newsletter PDF download. And it's buried inside. Because it meets all of the required criteria. Approved literature and approved site.

I can see some requirements though. Like it needs to address recovery in some way. Or is relevant to the Program or alcoholism in general. But a blanket NO! Seems a bit dogmatic to me.

Here are some interesting things to take note of; 

 (Conference Approved) does not mean the Conference disapproves of any other publications. Many local A.A. central offices publish their own meeting lists. A.A. as a whole does not oppose these, any more than A.A. disapproves of the Bible or any other publications from any source that A.A.’s find useful. August-September 1978 - Is Your Group in Close Touch With A.A. as a Whole?

 

The term has no relation to material not published by G.S.O. It does not imply Conference disapproval of other material about A.A. A great deal of literature helpful to alcoholics is published by others, and A.A. does not try to tell any individual member what he or she may or may not read..SMF-29 Conference-Approved Literature

Some things that are not approved;The Bible, The First Edition of the Big Book,Twenty Four Hours a Day. and Grapevine. Grapevine is Conference endorsed but, the only approval comes from it's editor. A quick shortcut to approved AA literature. If it's published and sold by AAWS (Alcoholics Anonymous World Services) it OK. Otherwise, no. 

This blog is written for 1) The Newcomer, 2) The Relapser, and 3) The currently sober alcoholic. It does not, and will not, have any ads. July 30 was the the last video that's embedded and points back to YouTube. It will contain links that might point anywhere, for further reading, research and/or attribution. And yet, I can't even point to it in a chat room or on a forum. Regardless of who or how it may help.

* Interestingly, on those chats or forums, I can't point to a different one from another one. None of them are approved. In fact, they unambiguously disavow any association with AAWS.. Despite 3 out of 4 of them being hard-core AA.

“The Charge of the Light Brigade”

 

I

Half a league, half a league,

Half a league onward,

All in the valley of Death

Rode the six hundred.

“Forward, the Light Brigade!

Charge for the guns!” he said.

Into the valley of Death

Rode the six hundred.

II

“Forward, the Light Brigade!”

Was there a man dismayed?

Not though the soldier knew

Someone had blundered.

Theirs not to make reply,

Theirs not to reason why,

Theirs but to do and die.

 Into the valley of Death

 Rode the six hundred.

III

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon in front of them

 Volleyed and thundered;

Stormed at with shot and shell,

Boldly they rode and well,

Into the jaws of Death,

Into the mouth of hell

Rode the six hundred.

IV

Flashed all their sabres bare,

Flashed as they turned in air

Sabring the gunners there,

Charging an army, while

All the world wondered.

Plunged in the battery-smoke

Right through the line they broke;

Cossack and Russian

Reeled from the sabre stroke

Shattered and sundered.

Then they rode back, but not

Not the six hundred.

V

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon behind them

Volleyed and thundered;

Stormed at with shot and shell,

While horse and hero fell.

They that had fought so well

Came through the jaws of Death,

Back from the mouth of hell,

All that was left of them,

Left of six hundred.

VI

When can their glory fade?

O the wild charge they made!

All the world wondered.

Honour the charge they made!

Honour the Light Brigade,

Noble six hundred!

 

My H.P.

 A question that comes up from time to time is,  do I have / what is my Higher Power?" Until recently, I was never quite satisfied with my answer. I knew what I wanted to say, I just didn't know how to say it. Until now.

First I came across this;

  Oh how we want to put our faith in something out there—a lover who stays infatuated, a friend who will always listen, a bank account that never says “funds not available” and a program that shows us the light and the way. We want it so badly that we put people on pedestals, we kneel at the altar of false gods and we set our course for the future as the time and the place where we will be worry-free and wanting for nothing. Putting something, someone or some place on a pedestal invites wishful thinking and it allows us to delegate blame. What do they call today’s expectations? We call them premeditated resentments or disappointments; but don’t worry, it won’t be our fault.

With maturity we look inward for solutions from our voice of reason. Most addiction is borne of something that we think is lacking inside of us. We searched and searched for the right something to fill the hole. It was never enough, but we somehow believed that everything would be OK. Our escape from reality would protect us and the harmful consequences would never be faced. But if our addiction didn’t fill the hole, how would cutting off the supply fill the void? Many of us tried the program and fellowship, putting the Twelve & Twelve bus to happy destiny on probation. Becoming dependent on fellowship is less harmful than process or substance abuse, but are we setting ourselves up to say to the fellowship, upon our first setback, “You lied to me. How can I ever trust you again?”

We can’t cure addiction with a better artificial outside agent. The answers we seek come from within. The great thing about fellowships and programs is that they provide the experience, kinship and change of scenery that we need while we get our shit together. But they aren’t the answer. The experience of others will help us find our own answers and chart our own course in recovery.

Am I acquainted, or reacquainted, with a voice inside that I can trust? It shouldn’t be new to me. In my addiction, didn’t I always have a voice inside that asked me, “Who do you think you’re kidding?”

 From: Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life  Link goes to Rebellion Dogs Publishing. There's free 100 page sample of the book there.  Recommended.

Then, I came across this;

At a recent meeting on Step 3. I shared;

Well, I didn't turn my will or my life over to the care of anything. I did, however, make a commitment to listen very closely to that Voice.

That Voice. You know, the one in the back of your mind. the one that says, "Yeah, that's a good idea", or "might work, try it" or "This isn't worth the time or energy" or "Who the hell do you think you're kidding"?"

For upon reflection, that voice rarely steered me wrong. When I LISTENED. Especially the "This isn't worth the time or energy" or "Who the hell do you think you're kidding"?" Voice.

My HP? The Voice

Serenity Prayers ?

 A.A. version;
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Can't do it. I can't. I won't. i wil not ask a Thing that apparently denied me those attributes in the first place to change it's mind.

For those of similiar attitudes, I offer the following for consideration.

"Brain, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Or: "Self, remember. The serenity to accept I can't drink anymore. The courage to not seek and turn down a drink when offered. And the wisdom to realize, these are the new rules"

Or: "Remember. The serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me"

Or: "Today I will be serene enough to accept the things I cannot change; to have the courage to change the things I can, to have the wisdom to know the difference, and to have another day in the light of recovery".
*************
Serenity is not granted. It is earned and learned. It must be worked for. And maintained.  Granted, the work is not hard. And gets easier with time. But, the work and maintenance never ends.
*************
BTW. "Ah,Fuck it", is a fine tool for maintaining serenity.
*************
Oh yes, the original:
"Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other."

Humor?

"I'm Gonna Stop Drinking"

I came 'round this morning
And I was feelin' like hell
Telephone exploded
I went, oh, that bell

It sounded so loud in my head
I actually thought I was dead

Yeah, OK, bye
Leave me be
I'm gonna lay down and cry
I get this feelin' every time that I'm dry

Just hand me three fingers
And the longer it lingers
I begin to feel high

All that I need is that friend in my hand
And I'm fine
Don't want no lemonade
First aid, no water or wine

All I need is spirit
Here's my glass
Will you please fill it
I'm not gonna spill it

Just give me time to readjust me
Why does no one seem to trust me
Well why don't you come along if you like
And you can bust me

But all I want is spirit
Here's my glass, please fill it
Don't worry I ain't gonna spill it, no no

All that I need is that friend in my hand
And I'm fine
Don't want no lemonade
First aid, no water or wine

So don't try to trick me
Into thinking I'm gonna get better some day
All you gotta do is
Give me that friend in my hand
And I'm gonna show you all the way

I'm gonna stop drinking
I know what you're thinking
But I'm gonna stop drinking
Some day

From: "Malice in Wonderland" by Paice, Ashton & Lord 

Video from:  Celebrating Jon Lord - The Rock Legend - YouTube

Instructions

Invictus

 

 

Out of the night that covers me,   
  Black as the Pit from pole to pole,   
I thank whatever gods may be   
  For my unconquerable soul.   

In the fell clutch of circumstance
  I have not winced nor cried aloud.   
Under the bludgeonings of chance   
  My head is bloody, but unbowed.   

Beyond this place of wrath and tears   
  Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years   
  Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.   

It matters not how strait the gate,   
  How charged with punishments the scroll,   
I am the master of my fate:
  I am the captain of my soul.

 

William Ernest Henley - 1849-1903

Maybe Later

Awhile back I was talking to a person who had just returned after a relapse. One of those common things. Damn few that I've ever heard of just put it down and stopped. Anyway, they were having trouble getting restarted and asked about my journey from my last relapse. My side of the conversion was something like this.

Where I live, liquor sales stop between 1:30 AM until 6:00 AM. For a time I lived for 1:30 AM. It meant 4.5 hours I could relax. I didn't have to sweat it out. I couldn't ever if I wanted to. The other 19.5 might be hell but, I could look forward to 1:30. All I had to do was maintain until then. In AA it's one day, 24 hours at a time. I managed to cheat it down.

After awhile. A week, 10 days, 2 weeks? Hell, I don't really remember, awhile. I got to feeling better. And that thirst came back. Big time. Now, I don't drive. I walk. And liquor is about an hour round trip. To the store, purchase, and back.

I felt better but, I didn't feel that much better. And I was torn anyway. I decided, later, when I feel better.

When I felt better. But less thirsty. I still wanted it. Not as much. But still. I said to myself, “Self, that's too damn far and it's too damn cold. Maybe later.” And Self agreed. I made lazy my advantage.

And for a very long time after. When that thirst came upon me, Self and I still agreed, “Maybe later”.

Later on. When I was already in a store with liquor and I thought I was thirsty. It became, “Not now. Maybe later”

I call it the “Maybe later method”. It's worked for me so far.

 

Thanks to Mack, for the conversation. Another case of two alcoholics talking.

"It's Never Too Late"

"It's Never Too Late"

Your eyes are moist, you scream and shout
As though you were a man possessed
From deep inside comes rushing forth
All the anguish you suppressed
Up on your wall hangs your degree
Your parents craved so much for you
And though you're trained to make your mark
You still don't quite know what to do

It's never too late to start all over again
To love the people you caused the pain
And help them learn your name
Oh, no, not too late
It's never too late to start all over again

Well, it's much to late to start again
To try and find a little bliss
So on your woman and your child
You release your bitterness
You drift apart some more each day
You feel the guilt and loneliness
And the God of your childhood you can't find
To save you from your emptiness

It's never too late to start all over again
To love the people you caused the pain
And help them learn your name
Oh, no, not too late
It's never too late to start all over again

You say you've only got one life to live
And when your dead your gone
Your family comes to your grave
And with tears in their eyes
They tell you, you did something wrong
"You left us alone"

Tell me who's to say after all is done
And you're finally gone, you won't be back again
You can find a way to change today
You don't have to wait 'til then

Repeat Chorus

 

Steppenwolf

"At Your Birthday Party" 

Ted Talks on Alcohol

Sobriety Rocks - Who Knew?

How I Overcame Alcoholism

TED talks about Alcohol

About that "Past" thing

If a man's mistakes determines what he was, then, what he does about those mistakes determine what he is. -- Paladin

 

30 Days Without Drinking

   

30 days without drinking alcohol will do this to your body. Here's a timeline on what happens to your body as soon as you put down the bottle.

 

This is via YouTube Channel; Curiosity

Twenty things that happen to your body.

    

 

This is via YouTube Channel;Getting Sober ...Again - YouTube