During my web-wanderings yesterday I found myself in an ACA meeting. Now both of my parents are dead but, if my mother was still alive, I'd be one. I guess that would make me an exACA.
If they had been around a decades earlier or if I'd have known about them earlier, a number of decades would probably have been much different.
Their shares got me to thinking about my past relationship with my mother and her alcoholism. And my sons and my alcoholism. And the fellowship of AA.
I can't count the number of times I would tell / ask her to "Just stop"and her replying, "I can't just stop" or "You just don't understand" or both. I also can't count the many times that conversation was repeated between my wife or sons and myself.
As I observed, I began thinking, these people understand. I suddenly had an understanding of my own. An epiphany even. This was the secret. The magic of "Two drunks talking".
Consider this strange scenerio. Two people are talking. One speaks and understands English. Call her Mom.The other speaks but does not understand English. Call him Ed. They are trying to discuss Mom's alcoholism. Ed is not an alcoholic.
Ed is asking Mom to just stop, quit. Mom hears and understands his request, his plea. Mom tries to tell him how much she wants to grant his request. And that it's just not that easy a request to grant. And why.
Ed hears the sounds she's making and sees her lips move but, he doesn't understand the meaning of the words, the concept she's trying to convey. She tries over and over to explain. In different words. to no avail. Ed simply doesn't understand. In fact, he can't and probably never will.
Many, many years down the road. Mom is dead and Ed is now an alcoholic. He is reflecting on a conversation with his son. It's pretty much like all the ones he had with Mom. He realizes he'll probably never be able to explain and decides to just soldier on. Trying to do the best he can with what hes got.
Then Mom reaches out from beyond the grave. She's saying. " That's all you can do. That's all I could do. You're right, he'll probably never understand. But now you do. And hope with all you have that he never comes to understand the way you came to understand."
That's the magic. It's not really two drunks talking. It's two people. Talking, hearing, and listening with a common language. And a common subject.
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Adult Children of Alcoholics Meeting Search - Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families or chat at recoveryllama
If you're an alcoholic trying to explain to your kid, you might want to point them out. Or that kid. Or a friend that cares. You might want to check them out. It might help. certainly can't hurt.
After all, they do speak your language
