My H.P.

 A question that comes up from time to time is,  do I have / what is my Higher Power?" Until recently, I was never quite satisfied with my answer. I knew what I wanted to say, I just didn't know how to say it. Until now.

First I came across this;

  Oh how we want to put our faith in something out there—a lover who stays infatuated, a friend who will always listen, a bank account that never says “funds not available” and a program that shows us the light and the way. We want it so badly that we put people on pedestals, we kneel at the altar of false gods and we set our course for the future as the time and the place where we will be worry-free and wanting for nothing. Putting something, someone or some place on a pedestal invites wishful thinking and it allows us to delegate blame. What do they call today’s expectations? We call them premeditated resentments or disappointments; but don’t worry, it won’t be our fault.

With maturity we look inward for solutions from our voice of reason. Most addiction is borne of something that we think is lacking inside of us. We searched and searched for the right something to fill the hole. It was never enough, but we somehow believed that everything would be OK. Our escape from reality would protect us and the harmful consequences would never be faced. But if our addiction didn’t fill the hole, how would cutting off the supply fill the void? Many of us tried the program and fellowship, putting the Twelve & Twelve bus to happy destiny on probation. Becoming dependent on fellowship is less harmful than process or substance abuse, but are we setting ourselves up to say to the fellowship, upon our first setback, “You lied to me. How can I ever trust you again?”

We can’t cure addiction with a better artificial outside agent. The answers we seek come from within. The great thing about fellowships and programs is that they provide the experience, kinship and change of scenery that we need while we get our shit together. But they aren’t the answer. The experience of others will help us find our own answers and chart our own course in recovery.

Am I acquainted, or reacquainted, with a voice inside that I can trust? It shouldn’t be new to me. In my addiction, didn’t I always have a voice inside that asked me, “Who do you think you’re kidding?”

 From: Beyond Belief: Agnostic Musings for 12 Step Life  Link goes to Rebellion Dogs Publishing. There's free 100 page sample of the book there.  Recommended.

Then, I came across this;

At a recent meeting on Step 3. I shared;

Well, I didn't turn my will or my life over to the care of anything. I did, however, make a commitment to listen very closely to that Voice.

That Voice. You know, the one in the back of your mind. the one that says, "Yeah, that's a good idea", or "might work, try it" or "This isn't worth the time or energy" or "Who the hell do you think you're kidding"?"

For upon reflection, that voice rarely steered me wrong. When I LISTENED. Especially the "This isn't worth the time or energy" or "Who the hell do you think you're kidding"?" Voice.

My HP? The Voice